The people named and their crimes as detailed in this thread are real. They have all been found guilty in court. On occasions jurors have deliberated over the evidence. In each case, a judge has decided their crimes are so serious that only a custodial sentence will suffice. The scenario covered in this thread may be offensive or disturbing to some readers. It is a work of fiction and for educational purposes only. No identification with places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. No person or entity associated with this thread received payment or anything of value, or entered into any agreement, in connection with the depiction of tobacco products. No animals were harmed in the making of this thread.
Well let's play:
Have you got what it takes to rise like the scum you are to the top of the rancid pool that is H.M.P. Hafa Towers?
Each episode will give you choices to make, relying not only your Criminal Anthropology skill sets you will have to lie, bribe, cheat, intimidate, claw, gouge, shank and strangle your way to the top of the shit heap.
CAN YOU BECOME:
In previous episodes...
...You blagged your way onto the Vulnerable Prisoners Unit and shanked one of those pedo's right the fuck up. You then framed one of the prison cabbages for the stabbing. You recruited some cronies to enforce your will and cover your back. You coerced a screw into bringing you gear into prison. You banged one of the Cat. A mad bitches on the woman's wing.
You're starting to look like a man who can do whatever he fucking likes.
The Governor has had word that you are to blame for all the disruption to his well run jail. It's no biggy but you need to have the heat taken off you so business can carry on uninterrupted.
You need a hostage situation. For that you need a King Hell Loony. You know which ones they are. The basket cases you tax the pills off. The pills all the bagheads and space cadets on D wing fucking love.
"WOOOOOO LOONY TUNES!"
Anti psychotic drugs never did anything for you of course, just gave you a banging headache. One of the fraggles will be ideal for a hostage situation, and you know EXACTLY which buttons to push on a few of them and really bring out their inner HULK.
Which of the following twats all angry and holed up with a hostage is going to fill the Governor with the most fear?
"The voices made me do it"
Using your Criminal Anthropology skills study the mugshots of the fruitcakes below and pick out your very own KING HELL LOONY.
There is no right or wrong answer, you need to draw on the knowledge life has given you and all you have learned from the last two terms of your course in Criminal Anthropology. Each decision you make will earn you RESPECT points. These points added together will determine the winner of each episode. At the series end the highest scoring convict becomes...
Organise a successful hostage taking situation to distract the attention of the authorities from you and your cronies to give you the space to flog your gear and tech and yes, you'll be the man, dog!
Ready? Well, let's play:
Who are you going to order to take and hold a hostage in his cell:
Remember: It's just for fun
Pro-tip: THERE ARE MORE CHAINS IN THE WORLD THAN MAD DOGS
Who will be
Stay tuned in to find out!
Results for this simulation will be published next week.
Latex Zebra Yeah, something is probably happening somewhere.
Registered: Feb 2003 Posts: 15056 - Threads: 340 Location: London
óò Winner KING CON Joint Winner Day Party - Alumni Honourable Mention Tune - Mind Shift - Luke Warner and Latex Zebra Winner DJ Winner Resident DJ Winner Party Animal Winner Club Night - Zoology 15
Fucking LOL at Purple Aki! So glad we get a true fucking weirdo on the line up.
Jonathon - What the fuck happened to his head. This ain't body shaming, it's head shaming. Looks like a cloud took a dump.
Stephen - Looks like he leads a cult or some weird religion thing.
Matthew - Well, he looks like he could get some good gear. Doesn't look to mental from the outside. A bit normal... Which means he could be a red herring.
Richard - I'm sory, have you tried switching it off and back on again. Probably bi polar or something. Works in IT before he started showing his knob to Elaine in Accounts.
Peter - Ahh the grazed chin from being restrained in the Psych Unit... Perhaps.
Purple Aki - When I say Purple, you say Aki... Purple...
Look we all know this guy is a fucking fruit loop but he just wants to feel your muscles and possibly bum you to death. The warden wont be worried about this at all.
After much deliberation I have decided to withhold Jonathon's Meds. He just has a face that the Warden will feel is unpredictable in a hostage situation.
Contains offensive and despicable content that is too controversial and too awesome for children. The stark, ugly, profound truthsKING CON and associated spin offs exposes may be soul crushing to the weak of spirit. If you allow a child to read this thread you are a bad parent or guardian. Contains strong action violence and sexualised posing.
Organise a successful hostage taking situation to distract the attention of the authorities from disturbing your many and varied business enterprises and yes, you'll be the man, dog!
Well, let's play:
Which of these BASKET CASES had their medications taxed on the order of PRISONER #13 and then had their head filled with shit about Prison Officer Derfel ap Griffiths, until they lost it totally and took him hostage in their cell?
Latex Zebra chose:
MENTALLY DEFECTIVE WANNABE BOY RACER
PUNY, SHRILL VOICED, AND THE IQ OF A CHEESE GRATER
JAILED FOR TWO YEARS
BANNED FROM DRIVING FOR THREE YEARS
DRIVING AT HIGH SPEED ON WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, LAUGHING WILDLY WHILE HIS PASSENGERS SCREAMED FOR HIM TO STOP
IN THE INEVITABLE CRASH HE INJURED 7 PEOPLE, GOT OUT OF THE CAR SHOUTING "SHE'S GONNA BLOW!" AND RAN OFF WITHOUT HELPING ANY OF HIS VICTIMS
ONCE HE WAS SAFELY HOME WITH HIS OLD MUM HE REPORTED HIS CAR AS STOLEN
First seen on these boards in
"WHAT'S MY CRIME?" Episode 1
TIRESOME PROSPECT AS A HOSTAGE TAKER
ALWAYS BEEN A TWAT
SUSPECTED CAT POISONER, LIFE WENT SOUR FOR HIM AFTER E.D.
HE STRANGLED HIS WIFE AFTER DINNER. SHE MADE ROAST BEEF, YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS, ROAST POTATOES, CARROTS, PEAS [ALL FROM THE GARDEN] AND A DARK RICH GRAVY
DIDN'T MAKE ANY PUDDING ALTHOUGH THE RHUBARB WAS RIPE AND AS HE SAID IN INTERVIEW "ANY OLD TART CAN CRUSH A FEW HOBNOBS"
SINISTER PROSPECT AS A HOSTAGE TAKER
WANTED TO BECOME A VAMPIRE
STUDIED BOOKS AND D.V.D.'s UNTIL HE WORKED OUT THE BEST METHOD
TURNS OUT THE BEST METHOD OF BECOMING A VAMPIRE IS TO KILL AAN OLD LADY BY CUTTING HER THROAT, THEN UNDRESS HER AND CUT OUT HER HEART, [RESERVE THE BLOOD IN A BIG SAUCEPAN] AND DRINK THAT GOOD STUFF DOWN
THEN PLACE SOME CANDLESTICKS IN A CRUCIFIX SHAPE BY HER BODY AND WAIT FOR THE TRANSFORMATION
BREATHTAKINGLY TERRIFYING PROSPECT AS A HOSTAGE TAKER
CHEERFUL, CHIRPY, CHEEKY, QUIRKY CHAPPIE
SCRAWNY LITTLE TWAT
HE WON THE CHANNEL 4 QUIZ SHOW "COUNTDOWN" IN 2006
AN 18 YEAR OLD GIRL GAVE A NEGATIVE REVIEW OF HIS NEW BOOK ONLINE
HE USED FACEBOOK AND TWITTER TO TRACK HER DOWN
HE THEN TRAVELLED 400 MILES TO HER PLACE OF WORK IN HER LOCAL ASDA
SHE WAS KNEELING DOWN FILLING THE BOTTOM SHELF OF THE CEREALS WHEN HE UNLEASHED HIS SPECIAL MOVE!
HIT HER ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A FULL BOTTLE OF WINE [JACOB'S CREEK - CHARDONAY]
WOULD PLAY CHESS WITH HIS HOSTAGE
AND THEN GO RADIO RENTAL CHICKEN ORIENTAL WHEN HE LOSES
PLAUSIBLE ENOUGH PROSPECT AS A HOSTAGE TAKER
THOUGHT THE WORLD WAS COMING TO AN END
THE SEVEN SEALS WERE BEING OPENED BEFORE THE THRONE OF GOD
IT WAS HIS DESTINY TO KILL A DEMON AND HELP SAVE THE WORLD
MESSEGES WERE APPEARING ALL OVER THE PLACE, ON THE RADIO, TELEVISION
CAR NUMBER PLATES, BEFORE COMMITTING MURDER HE SAW ONE WHICH WAS: "KPK" THAT MEANT "KILL, PETER, KILL"
HE THEN LAUNCHED AN ATTACK UPON A FATHER OF FOUR IN THE BACKYARD OF A PUB BY STRIKING HIM REPEATEDLY ON THE HEAD WITH A CONCRETE SLAB
AFTER SLAYING THE DEMON HE CLIMBED ONTO THE ROOF OF THE PUB AND SAT THERE CALLING DOWN "I LOVE YOU" REPEATEDLY
FUCKING AWESOME PROSPECT AS A HOSTAGE TAKER
Coops and kerb both chose:
AKINWALE OLUWAFOLAJIMI OLUWATOPE AROBIEKE
THE MAN WHO SQUEEZES MUSCLES
THE MAN IS LEGEND IN HIS OWN RIGHT AND NEEDS NO FURTHER EXPL
MAGNIFICENTLY INTIMIDATING PROSPECT AS A HOSTAGE TAKER
Remember: The criminals and the crimes detailed here are very real but this?
It's just for fun
Please click HERE to see how their choices have influenced the respect our would be KING CON's now enjoy, find out who is the current TOP DOG and who is the KING CHARLES SPANIEL yapping at their heels.
Please join us again SOON for the next episode of: