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Guile A magnificent animal of a man
Registered: Sep 2001 Posts: 2659 - Threads: 68 Location: A wretched hive of scum and villainy
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Hi, and a warm welcome back to this Seasons Finale of:
"YOU ARE THE..."
Brought to you by the makers of the popular hafa thread series:
"WHAT'S MY CRIME?"
This series of threads will put you in different situations were you must use your Criminal Anthropology skill set to achieve success.
In this week's episode...
"YOU ARE THE... CRIMINAL MASTERMIND"
Bank robbers.
They used to be the royalty of the criminal underworld. Back in the day, robbing banks was easy, a "caper" even. How times have changed...
Class Notes: HOW TO SPOT A CRIMINAL.
EXAMPLE:
CAYLAN CLOSSICK a.k.a. "WINGNUT".
INFORMED STUDENTS OF CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY WILL KNOW THAT JUG EARS ARE ONE OF THE CLASSIC SIGNIFIERS OF A CRIMINAL
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JUST ANOTHER BUNGLING BRAIN DEAD BURGLAR.
You however are "Mister X" - a criminal mastermind. A shadowy figure in the background organising violent crime. As a businessman you understand that crime is an economic activity like any other: it has its profits, its losses, its risks, and its returns.
You know successful criminals study econometrics. Statistics can help in all walks of life. Aaaaaaaand statistics show that criminals ALWAYS get caught, they also demonstrate that criminals are habitually stupid.
Gifted amateurs make the best criminals because Criminal Anthropology shows habitual career criminals are, to be blunt about it: THICK.
In 24 hours Team Charlie is due to heist a private bank in Knightsbridge. Team Charlie comprises a hacker, a spotter, two shooters [one of whom is the team leader] and a driver.
You hear from your team leader that the driver has had a serious accident at home doing d.i.y.
You need a driver who is unknown to the police and able to boost a vehicle suitable for the job and out-drive any pursuit. You know at this late stage most of the replacements will be idiotic criminals and unsuitable for the caper.
Using your Criminal Anthropology skill set can you pick out the gifted amateur who wants to do a bank job for the thrills from the usual sad selection of scofflaws and dead beats who believe they can rob banks?
Ready? You fire up your computer and start browsing mug shots...
Aaaaaaaaaaand lets play:
"YOU ARE THE... CRIMINAL MASTERMIND"
DANNY LUCK.
DECIDED TO BOOST A BMW M3 SALOON 2017 MODEL AS HE SAW ONE PARKED UP WITH ITS ENGINE RUNNING. HE THREATENED THE OLD LADY DRIVING IT WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS. THE OWNER AND HER PASSENGERS GOT OUT AND DANNY LUCK GOT IN.
THE 2017 M3 COMES WITH A BESPOKE DUAL CLUTCH GEARBOX WITH A UNIQUE SELECTION PATTERN.
DOPEY DANNY COULDN'T GET THE BEEMER INTO DRIVE. HE THEN RAN OFF, PURSUED BY THE PASSENGERS. AFTER ARREST HE ASSAULTED A POLICE CONSTABLE.
TOOK THE LEADER OF TEAM CHARLIE DOWN WITH HIM. ALERTED PLOD TO THE EXISTENCE OF A SHADOWY "MISTER X" MAKING YOUR LIFE AS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MUCH HARDER.
VERDICT: HOODY WEARING TEENAGE SCOUSER i.e. A MORONIC, MINDLESS DELINQUENT.
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EMYR JONES.
BOOSTED A TRANSIT VAN. THOUGHT A BOTTLE OF WHISKY WOULD BE AN AID TO CALMING HIS PRE-JOB NERVES. CRASHED THE VEHICLE DRIVING AWAY FROM THE BANK, KILLING A PEDESTRIAN AND SERIOUSLY INJURING ANOTHER.
TOOK ALL OF TEAM CHARLIE DOWN WITH HIM EXCEPT FOR THE HACKER. ALERTED PLOD TO THE EXISTENCE OF A SHADOWY "MISTER X" MAKING YOUR LIFE AS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MUCH HARDER.
VERDICT: OBVIOUSLY AN OUT AND OUT RECIDIVIST - HE HAS GINGER HAIR, IS BALDING, HAS A SURLY MOUTH AND SNAKE EYES.
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SHAUN GOLDSTRAW.
WAS "STOKED" TO BE PICKED FOR THE JOB. BOOSTED A RENAULT CLIO GT-LINE, "THE DIRTIEST CAR ON THE ROAD" HE BOASTED. ON LEARNING OF THE LOCATION OF THE BANK WENT "SITING LAPS" TO PRACTICE GETAWAY ROUTES. C.C.T.V. CAPTURED HIM DOING SPEEDS IN EXCESS OF 107MPH BEFORE HE CRASHED HEADFIRST INTO A MERCEDES KILLING THE TWO OCCUPANTS.
TOOK THE LEADER OF TEAM CHARLIE DOWN WITH HIM. ALERTED PLOD TO THE EXISTENCE OF A SHADOWY "MISTER X" MAKING YOUR LIFE AS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MUCH HARDER.
VERDICT: RECKLESS, LACKING IN SKILL, EXPERIENCE AND MATURITY.
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DAN TICKTUM.
DAN TICKTUM IS A BRITISH RACING DRIVER. CURRENT MEMBER OF THE RED BULL RACING TEAM, WHICH HE JOINED IN 2017. ACHIEVMENTS INCLUDE 7TH PLACE IN THE EUROCUP FORMULA RENAULT 2.0 WITH ARDEN, VICTORY IN THE 2017 MACAU GRAND PRIX, VICTORY IN THE 2017 McLAREN AUTOSPORT BRDC AWARD. CURRENTLY COMPETING IN THE FIA FORMULA 3 CHAMPIONSHIP WITH TEAM MOTOPARK.
BOOSTED A 2018 SILVER AUDI A8L WITH DIPLOMATIC PLATES THAT WASN'T REPORTED AS STOLEN FOR THREE WEEKS AFTER THE HEIST. SOME SUPERB DRIVING IN THE CITY SHOOK OFF THE HAPLESS PURSUIT MOUNTED BY THE POLICE. DROVE TO AN UNDERGROUND CAR PARK WHERE HE HAD PREVIOUSLY BOOSTED A BLACK 2018 MERCEDES BENZ AMG C 43 COUPE. THE DRIVE TO THE SAFE HOUSE IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE WAS QUIET AND UNEVENTFUL. YOUR TEAM LEADER WAS "OVER THE MOON WITH THE LAD" AND REQUESTED USING HIM AGAIN.
TOTAL TAKE TO MISTER X CAME TO OVER £15,000,000 AFTER COSTS.
VERDICT: "DAN IS THE DRIVER FOR US IN 2018. TO BE PART OF TEAM CHARLIE YOU HAVE TO BE THE VERY BEST AND THAT'S WHY I WANT DAN ON EVERY JOB. TEAM CHARLIE EXPECTS HIM TO PERFORM AND HE IS SIMPLY THE BEST GETAWAY DRIVER EVER". TEAM LEADER - TEAM CHARLIE.
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JONATHON EDWARDS.
BOOSTED A TOYOTA COROLLA, WHILST DRIVING TEAM CHARLIE FROM THE BANK HIT SPEEDS IN EXCESS OF 70MPH IN A 30MPH ZONE. HE CRASHED INTO A HOUSE, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WALL AND ENDED UP IN THE LIVING ROOM CAUSING £17,000 WORTH OF DAMAGE.
PREVIOUS CONVICTIONS = 119.
TOOK ALL OF TEAM CHARLIE DOWN WITH HIM, EXCEPT FOR THE HACKER. ALERTED PLOD TO THE EXISTENCE OF A SHADOWY "MISTER X" MAKING YOUR LIFE AS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MUCH HARDER.
VERDICT: RECIDIVIST, JUST LOOK AT HIS EARS.
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RAY WILLIAMS.
BOOSTED A J.C.B. AS HE MISUNDERSTOOD THE BRIEF, THOUGHT HE WAS RIPPING A CASH POINT MACHINE OUT OF A WALL. BEING HIGH AS A MOTHERFUCKER ON SKAG HE NEVER MADE IT TO THE RENDEZVOUS WITH TEAM CHARLIE AS HE WAS STOPPED BY POLICE ON THE WAY AND ARRESTED.
TOOK THE LEADER OF TEAM CHARLIE DOWN WITH HIM. ALERTED PLOD TO THE EXISTENCE OF A SHADOWY "MISTER X" MAKING YOUR LIFE AS A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MUCH HARDER.
VERDICT: RECIDIVIST, DEEP IN THE GRIP OF A HEROIN ADDICTION HE HAS LITTLE CHOICE BUT TO "TRY" AND BE A CRIMINAL.
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Remember: It's just for fun.
Aaaaaaand now for the results of everyone's choice of driver:
Voodoobass.
VB gave an excellent reply, considered and thoughtful. His approach has a lot to commend it. His gut feelings did point him towards Ticktum, but in a difficult situation he went with his head and not his heart. His big mistake was relying on Luck.
This setback will hamper his future operations and increase his costs dramatically. Still working towards the status of Criminal Mastermind.
pieman.
In this set of lectures pieman has consistently been one of the higher scoring students of Criminal Anthropology. Saw through the obvious ringers immediately, once again his instincts proving correct; but for some reason he [yet again] ignored them and went with what he knew in his heart of hearts to be the inexperienced and immature option.
This setback will hamper his future operations and increase his costs dramatically. Still working towards the status of Criminal Mastermind.
Matt
Matt dismissed the two best possibilities given to him out of hand. The thread briefing required him to: "pick out the gifted amateur who wants to do a bank job for the thrills from the usual sad selection of scofflaws and dead beats who believe they can rob banks". He ignored all his Criminal Anthropology training and even briefly considered Jonathon despite him having jug ears!
His big mistake was relying on Luck.
This setback will hamper his future operations and increase his costs dramatically. Still working towards the status of Criminal Mastermind.
Coops
Coops made his choices based on some movies he had seen. That said he correctly detected and duly rejected the ringers and criminals, leaving him with the two amateur thrill seekers - credit is due for that. But his final choice was flawed as Goldstraw's confidence far exceeded his abilities, inevitably he let Coops and team Charlie down very badly.
This setback will hamper his future operations and increase his costs dramatically. Still working towards the status of Criminal Mastermind.
kerb
kerb refused to participate in what he called "social sadism" and said these threads were "akin to bear baiting". He pointed out the that these series of threads "far from facilitating discussion on moral questions, are merely a spectacle of cruelty in which the unwilling dupes [the convicted criminals featured] are mocked and further tormented for their failure to implement the middle-class cultural norms of aspiration and enterprise". He further added that "Criminal Anthropology condemns criminals as mere jug eared brutes and precludes any hopes they may have for rehabilitation into society"
Hey, they could save up for surgery. Kerb is still [] working towards the status of Criminal Mastermind.
Latex Zebra
Latex Zebra is on a roll here. The most successful in the drug dealer thread, spotted the worst of the criminals in the Victorian Criminals thread, gleefully shanking all and sundry in the Pedo Hunter thread, he has the ruthlessness, nous and steely determination to shank, claw, gouge and outwit his way to the top of the criminal tree. His summary of the personalities and criminal abilities of the potential drivers is a sterling piece of work, and shows he has worked hard absorbing the principles of Criminal Anthropology and is qualified to utilise them in RL.
The cap and gown for this thread is rightfully his.
CONGRATULATIONS LZ!
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NOTES:
A big thank you to everyone who played and for all the positive feedback. Without you these threads would just be me sneering at some pictures of ugly looking crims over a cup of tea. I appreciate your input and the effort you made.
The part of gifted amateur in this thread was played by Dan Ticktum, and it bears no relation to his RL persona.
The criminals featured in this thread did commit the crimes detailed above but NOT in pursuit of a bank robbery. Locations and timings were adjusted for the purposes of entertainment.
Earlier episodes of
"YOU ARE THE..."
can be found here:
#1 THE INVESTOR
#2 THE BEST FRIEND
#3 THE DRUG DEALER
For players who are new to the Theory of Criminal Anthropology, [where have you been?] here are some crib notes:
Anthropological criminology is the study of humans and criminals, based on links between the nature of the crime and the appearance of the offender. According to this theory the following details are common in all criminals:
Lumps and unusual bumps on cranium; big teeth; elongation of the coccyx; protruding jug ears; long arms, baldness.
This whole world is out there just trying to score
I've seen enough I don't want to see any more.
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07-06-2018 11:22 AM |
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